Today is even worse for me.  I can't stop crying.  I try to think of all the misadventures we had, I try to think of the silly things Pepe would do. I want to remember all the fun we had, but all I feel is pain and loss. I want to find some pictures but I can't even bear to look at them, not now.

Yesterday, I made sure I fed for the evening meal even though Bruce didn't want me to.  Only two flakes to throw, no calling for slow poke Pepe, no rusty call from him.   It was so strangely quite feeding. And in the twilight, standing in the alley of the barn I look at Pepe's stall.... Do I dump the water in his stall and remove the feeder bucket?  I can't bear to do it, not now. I know he's not coming back, but to do that would be acknowledging that in some weird way.

Everyday I call the horses for carrots.  Today, I grabbed  just two carrots.  I caught my self starting to call 'PeePee'.  I always called Pepe.   Magic and Hadley learned when I called Peeps, it means a treat, but it was only Pepe who would answer back.  I was at a total loss, who do I call? I stood at the fence looking at two carrots and cried.  This breakdown was solved for me by Magic who happen to see me standing there, he belted out a whinny and came roaring up the hill with Hadley in tow.  Did I mention that Magic keeps calling for Pepe?  Its so sad.  I know with time he will stop calling and maybe by then I can stop crying...

Bruce checked the grave today to make sure nothing was trying to... disturb it .  I want to go down but I can't.  Not just yet.  It is such a pretty spot where he is, I think he would like it.  It's a fine resting place.  Tomorrow maybe I will go.  I will pick a few branches from the wild bay tree to lay across and hide a carrot underneath.