I visited Pepe today.  The ground remains untouched.  I could see Magics tracks since we buried him, but Magic seemed to just follow Pepes tracks, then lay down where Pepe was before we moved him.
Magic stopped calling today.

On the way back I stopped at the barn, sat down and looked at Pepes stall.  New spider webs glittered in the sun inside the stall.  Life moves on.

Today I called for treats.  I called Pepes name by habit and my heart sank, but an answer comes from Magic.  I can't see him, but I sure can hear his hoofs hitting the ground.  He comes thundering up the hill with Hadley. Bursting into view with heads high, manes and tails flying.  It takes the breath from you to watch.  Such beauty.  They remind me that I can not forget the living left behind.

Today is even worse for me.  I can't stop crying.  I try to think of all the misadventures we had, I try to think of the silly things Pepe would do. I want to remember all the fun we had, but all I feel is pain and loss. I want to find some pictures but I can't even bear to look at them, not now.

Yesterday, I made sure I fed for the evening meal even though Bruce didn't want me to.  Only two flakes to throw, no calling for slow poke Pepe, no rusty call from him.   It was so strangely quite feeding. And in the twilight, standing in the alley of the barn I look at Pepe's stall.... Do I dump the water in his stall and remove the feeder bucket?  I can't bear to do it, not now. I know he's not coming back, but to do that would be acknowledging that in some weird way.

Everyday I call the horses for carrots.  Today, I grabbed  just two carrots.  I caught my self starting to call 'PeePee'.  I always called Pepe.   Magic and Hadley learned when I called Peeps, it means a treat, but it was only Pepe who would answer back.  I was at a total loss, who do I call? I stood at the fence looking at two carrots and cried.  This breakdown was solved for me by Magic who happen to see me standing there, he belted out a whinny and came roaring up the hill with Hadley in tow.  Did I mention that Magic keeps calling for Pepe?  Its so sad.  I know with time he will stop calling and maybe by then I can stop crying...

Bruce checked the grave today to make sure nothing was trying to... disturb it .  I want to go down but I can't.  Not just yet.  It is such a pretty spot where he is, I think he would like it.  It's a fine resting place.  Tomorrow maybe I will go.  I will pick a few branches from the wild bay tree to lay across and hide a carrot underneath.

Today I made the most kindest and hardest thing I could ask of my self. I put down Pepe.  Pepe was a 16 year old registered Morgan Horse.  I loved his name; G Paladin B Pepe.  We purchased him at night in a dark barn in Cherry Valley CA.  All I could see was what I thought a brown horse.  He was a Bay.  He was $500 bucks, and wouldn't really load into the trailer.  I think the Morgan farm that we purchased him from laughed at our purchase.  But in reality we sure had the last laugh at them. Pepe was maybe 2 years old then.  He was born in April 1996.  Today is the 20th of February 2012.

Pepe has a story like most horses.  He was sent off for basic training and 2 months later came back.  And I rode the heck out him doing wet saddle blankets.  In the first full year he was 'well broke'.  And we went on, we rode Devils Slide, we rode the Sierras,  we went to beach and desert. He liked for me to whisper in his ear.  And I would do so.  I always told him I loved him.  I did.  You could point at a leg and he would raise it for you to look at his hoof.  He was so good, so wanting to please.  He always did.  Well... except for shots. he didn't like shots.

He had what I called a engine starter whinny.. kinda rough and rusty sounding.  But if I called PEE-PEE! lol he always answered and always showed up.  He was the best.  He had an old mans chin and never got to wear the brand new bosel I bought for him.  He went lame.  So we retired him.  And he flourished as a pasture pet.

Today he was not at the barn for breakfast.  Hubby called, and he answered.  He was in the mud in the creek. He did raise his self to come to the barn but was in terrible pain.  Hubby came back to house to fetch me. He was not at the barn when we returned.  But he left of trail of lying down, trashing and moving every 10 feet or so.  He made it down to the bottom of the property, that's where I found him.

The vet was on the way, banimine was not helping.  It was bad, it was the worst.  It was what all horse loving folks fear.  At one moment n the barn, the light fell on his face looking at me. A fleeting moment of no pain.. He was looking at me his ears forward.  I remember thinking how beautiful he was.

He didn't have a chance really, even if we could get him in a trailer and trailer for over an hour or more to get to surgery.  He was twisted.

How do you say goodbye?

I whispered in his ear just before the shot to put him under.  For the one last time I told him I loved him, I spoke of the secrets we shared, my tears, my  love, our adventures.  He lowered his head and ask to be let go.  And his spirit soared on release.

He is free of pain.  Pepe was here on loan from the Lord.  He taught lessons to me in ways that only equine owners would know.  I only borrowed him for a while.  It doesn't ease my pain, but I know I never owned him.  Until that day when I am called home, I will miss him.  But on that day I know Pepe will be there to carry me across the journey, safely, to the Lord arms.

End of trail... happy trails to you to come

My last post for this blog. I'm done. [Edited ]

When life hand you lemons as much as you try you just can't quite squeeze enough to make lemonade ......or even as as side to tequilia.....lol

I'm glad to see my friends grow and prosper. I find a joy in their achievements.

I have many things to be grateful for. I have been blessed in many ways in my life.

Life has taught me many lessons. Some I have learned well... others not so well. [grin]

~~~~~
Speak well, live well and be happy.
~~~~~

My nick name is Yacky, I've never known a stranger. All are welcome on my porch. Have a bite to eat, a refreshment for your thirst.... and just sit a spell.

Waving to you.....


~~~~

In the alley of my barn.....

In the alley of my barn.
It is here where I love to come, especially just at dusk. It is my special moment. It is the sweet smell of the barn, the warmth of the horses, the sound of contented munching and the rustle of feet in bedding.

I can hear the chickens thumping within their coop, roosting for the night. My dogs are sighing and stretched out in the ally, the last ball of the day has been thrown. The frogs and toads and small creatures all are starting or ending their songs to the gentle sound of the creek flowing by.

All is well here in my barn. The troubles of the day, of my life, all the hurts and pains, the sorrows and the terrors, somehow, just for a little while, just melt away. I’m surrounded in peace and a magical sense of gods most beautiful creatures.

And as twilight dwindles to dark I go stall to stall with carrot treats. I am greeted with warm eyes, soft muzzles and softer knickers. I bury my face in their fur to drink in a lasting memory until tomorrow.

All is well in my world, at this instant, in the twilight, in the alley of my barn