Today I made the most kindest and hardest thing I could ask of my self. I put down Pepe.  Pepe was a 16 year old registered Morgan Horse.  I loved his name; G Paladin B Pepe.  We purchased him at night in a dark barn in Cherry Valley CA.  All I could see was what I thought a brown horse.  He was a Bay.  He was $500 bucks, and wouldn't really load into the trailer.  I think the Morgan farm that we purchased him from laughed at our purchase.  But in reality we sure had the last laugh at them. Pepe was maybe 2 years old then.  He was born in April 1996.  Today is the 20th of February 2012.

Pepe has a story like most horses.  He was sent off for basic training and 2 months later came back.  And I rode the heck out him doing wet saddle blankets.  In the first full year he was 'well broke'.  And we went on, we rode Devils Slide, we rode the Sierras,  we went to beach and desert. He liked for me to whisper in his ear.  And I would do so.  I always told him I loved him.  I did.  You could point at a leg and he would raise it for you to look at his hoof.  He was so good, so wanting to please.  He always did.  Well... except for shots. he didn't like shots.

He had what I called a engine starter whinny.. kinda rough and rusty sounding.  But if I called PEE-PEE! lol he always answered and always showed up.  He was the best.  He had an old mans chin and never got to wear the brand new bosel I bought for him.  He went lame.  So we retired him.  And he flourished as a pasture pet.

Today he was not at the barn for breakfast.  Hubby called, and he answered.  He was in the mud in the creek. He did raise his self to come to the barn but was in terrible pain.  Hubby came back to house to fetch me. He was not at the barn when we returned.  But he left of trail of lying down, trashing and moving every 10 feet or so.  He made it down to the bottom of the property, that's where I found him.

The vet was on the way, banimine was not helping.  It was bad, it was the worst.  It was what all horse loving folks fear.  At one moment n the barn, the light fell on his face looking at me. A fleeting moment of no pain.. He was looking at me his ears forward.  I remember thinking how beautiful he was.

He didn't have a chance really, even if we could get him in a trailer and trailer for over an hour or more to get to surgery.  He was twisted.

How do you say goodbye?

I whispered in his ear just before the shot to put him under.  For the one last time I told him I loved him, I spoke of the secrets we shared, my tears, my  love, our adventures.  He lowered his head and ask to be let go.  And his spirit soared on release.

He is free of pain.  Pepe was here on loan from the Lord.  He taught lessons to me in ways that only equine owners would know.  I only borrowed him for a while.  It doesn't ease my pain, but I know I never owned him.  Until that day when I am called home, I will miss him.  But on that day I know Pepe will be there to carry me across the journey, safely, to the Lord arms.